I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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