allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
