I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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