just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
