either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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