He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
