Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Randomize
