I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
