Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
