If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
