Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
