Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
