OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
