hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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