I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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