i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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