remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
