I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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