i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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