yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
