4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
