Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
