i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
