This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
