Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
