last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
