You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
