I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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