im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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