i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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