Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
How's work?
Spinning.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
