i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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