I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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