At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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