i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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