Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
