you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
