His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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