My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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