When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
