headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
