Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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