I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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