I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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