Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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