oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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