Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
