Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
