just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
50% drunk capacity currently
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
