Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I AM VODKA MAN
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
